I understand that I can be annoying but I'm actually happy about something for once, you know? I'm sorry that you're not, that you can't, or might not every truly be happy but it isn't my fault. You don't have to spread your negativity to someone who struggles enough with...whatever it is when all they're doing is trying their best.
I can't be the friend you want me to be. The nice, quiet, empathetic friend because empathy isn't something I'm good at, neither is sympathy. I can't put myself and your shoes and see what it's like as bad as that might seem and I cannot feel for you...share the emotions you feel because half of the time I can't even feel my own. I wish I could. Anger, sadness, happiness are the only three I feel. Love, content, grateful, surprise. I don't know what's wrong with me. Nor do I know what's wrong with you. All I know is that I'm trying to keep myself above water, to be happier than I was last year yet you still complain whether I'm constantly angry, unsocial, or as outgoing as I can be now. I don't know how to be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter or a potential good girlfriend. I talk about myself way too much, I constantly complain and rant about everything. I get it, you hate it yet you don't hate me which doesn't make any sense because this is me and who I'll probably always be. I'm trying to fix it, I know my flaws but constantly telling me everyday that I'm wrong, that I'm always wrong and too closed minded to understand anything beyond myself, none of that is going to help. It isn't making this any easier. In fact, it's just making me want to hide away in my room so you'll always complain I never go out, that I never go anywhere or make an attempt to hang out with you. Just stop. You're not perfect either, you talk about me behind my back i know you do. I'm not as stupid and oblivious as you think I am. I notice things, lots of things, but I never admit that I do because it's not really your concern nor do you care to ask. You hide stuff from me and tell everyone else, even the loud mouth in our group who always ends up spilling secrets. That kind of stings, you know? The few emotions I actually feel from time to time it has to be that one that you give me? I'm pathetic. I'm not perfect. But you're also perfect, not perfect, and so much more. Maybe we're too much alike or maybe we're polar opposites but one day if this persists, you might actually lose me. All of you. Because if one goes the rest will too because we're all tightly woven together and without one, I'll be without all. It wouldn't be the same. Especially since you're constantly with them in the halls where I walk beside trying to find a space to join in but i"m always being talked over or yelled at for interrupting, You only have to deal with me for a couple more years and then I'll be gone and out of your hair. Miles away, somewhere new with a clean slate. I'll be where I'm happy the most, where I want to be. You will too. We all will. That will be the day we all separate and perhaps the last day we see each other for a very long time as none of us will stick around. But until then, please try to deal with me. Sincerely, concerned.
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Alex Vixen
Age 15 Small Town, U.S.A My "Best" Friend Age 15 Small Town, U.S.A Dear Best Friend, I understand how you're feeling. I get it. I'm annoyed with me too. But please, can you just give me some time and get off my back about it? You're only making it worse. My temper is impossible to deal with, you think I'm a ticking time bomb and maybe I am, but pressing buttons you shouldn't be pushing is only going to make the explosion worse. I'm trying so hard to fix myself and you aren't even realizing it, instead you're still focusing on the bad too much. I talk too loud. I talk too quiet. I spit and I slur. I speak too fast. I sometimes stutter. I sometimes repeat words several times even though I don't mean to. But please, let me fix it. I'm going back on my medication for you, I decided that today. I won't be so annoying or quite as emotional as I was, instead my emotions will be narrowed down to just a few. You wanted this, just remember that, so if you're missing the outspoken, extroverted me, then that's too bad. It really is. I'm giving up my freedom for you. All of you. Be grateful. Sincerely, Apologetic. From:
Alex Vixen Age 15 Small Town, U.S.A To: My friends, Age 15-17 Small Town, U.S.A Dear Friends, I know I can be a little much and I'm sorry for that. Every day you, as in all of you, tell me that my temper's too short or my attitude is too strong. I'm cynical. I'm jaded. I'm clingy. I'm aware of this but I'm not sure how I got this way. You've mentioned that I wasn't always this way and that's true, but over the years I've changed and this is me now, the me you guys have always said you wanted to see. On my medication for my ADHD, I was emotionless, or almost. I wasn't very human, I must admit. When I got off of them, I felt free for the first time in a while being off of them, the first week without them was complete and utter hell with the withdrawal symptoms. The shivering. The tremors. The excessive talking. The headaches. The malaise. I overcame that just so you guys could see the real me, got over the slight addiction I was developing toward the medication. And you're still not happy. Sincerely, confused Ciao, fellow visitors. Welcome to my blog. This isn't exactly a letter but I'm going to go ahead and put it in the letter section anyway because, well, my website my rules.
I just wanted to say, thanks for giving this site a chance. Although, I'm curious as to how you found it? Would you mind telling me in the comments, just so I know? Great. Also, Alex Vixon is not my real name. Did you think I was going to tell you that just yet? No. Not now. Maybe if I get enough readers or visitors I will. But for now I will remain incognito. It's better this way. Once again, thanks for stopping by. I'll check back soon. Arrivederci! (also I don't know a lot of Spanish/Italian so if you know English can you comment in that, please? |